Read This

I’ve just started this screenplay.  It’s called Morons (it’s PDF format, that way the formatting doesn’t get all screwy).

Any feedback for this would be great.  What do you think should happen next?  Any ideas for other scenes?  Other characters I could add?  Anything I can do to make it funnier?  Run smoother?  Anything will help, and if this ends up getting made I’ll make sure you get a credit even if it doesn’t make the final cut.

Also, you may remember a little while ago when I posted on Robots vs. Humans.  Check out this video on Party Intellectuals…and pray for humanity.

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8 Responses to Read This

  1. dumb grammar error “black jeep with covered in”

    “walk in slow motion towards the
    Chuck E. Cheese to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “Rainy Day Women
    #12&35.” – i’ve been told to never put directorial comments in a scrpit, i guess is pisses off directors and distracts readers from flow of script.. i still like the scene though..

    “Well no, I wouldn’t even expect a child
    to know how to waltz.” great line..

    i like what you have. perhaps they walk into duffy’s and are shocked to see the little shit working at duffy’s. because he hates his job so much that could be the reason he accepts their “deal”.

    also, wouldn’t douggy be the one chasing franky vs. paul because it’s his crazy plan and paul thinks it’s insane?

    just some thoughts. i liked it a lot and laughed a bunch. great dialogue. keep crackin..

    • maulpartin says:

      Thanks for reading it bud. Good find on the grammar error, I always need an extra eye to catch all of those.

      I was thinking the same thing when I wrote down the Dylan reference, at the time I figured it might pass but I think you’re right on that…I’ll let the directors do their job.

      Love the idea of him working at Duffy’s, I think I’m going to use that.

      Good point, Doug should be chasing him…I don’t know why I had it the other way around.

      I’ll have more of this on here as it develops. I might ask you for a little help on developing a character or two if you’re interested, just because I think comedy needs to be a group effort to make it real funny.

      Again, thanks for taking the time to read this you’ve helped me in deciding where to take it from here.

  2. maulpartin says:

    I really miss it too. I can’t believe we never did that. Problem was when we dropped a bunch of acid the night before we’d end up falling asleep around 9am and missing it. Oh how I miss those sweet sweet college days.

  3. what’s your email? i got a script running myself..

  4. steezeologist says:

    I love it. I think Paul would be running after him pre emptively taking passion in Dougie’s idea whilst Dougie finds more interest in the spliff on the ground.

    Lots of moments where a side conversation takes place amidst a confrontation between others like with Ralphie and the smart kids bit because it lets insanity run for a minute before bringing it back to moving forward the story which is hella funny, quite Broken Lizard Comedy Troupe or Will Ferrell-esque

    Finding a perfect kid to use for chuck e cheese but ends up really being un-usable because youve only got trees for payment and he is the “doesn’t even know what trees are” sorta kid would be a funny side-capade.

    Unintentionally doing a community service by helping some senior citizen or getting a cat out of a tree or something that is very beneficial to some decent people but D&P did whatever it was just as a byproduct of trying to smoke up some kid in order to play skee ball at chuck e cheese, and the good deed had no actual importance in their minds, they maybe even do it without meaning to like a Dude Where’s My Car sort of comedy

    • maulpartin says:

      It’s good to have a report from a steezeologist. These are some great ideas. I really like the unintentional good deeds angle, definitely going to dedicate a whole scene to that. I also really like the side-scapade idea. I was actually just thinking of how there needs to be more of a search instead of them just finding the kid right away. I think my plan now is to have a little search-montage of Doug and Paul trying to find the perfect candidate, and finally they decide to just go bowling instead (kind of like skee-ball, and they serve pizza, but nothing like chuck e cheese), and then they happen to run into Franky behind the building.

      I’ve edited the script, and I switched Doug and Paul around. I think that’s what I had in mind when I was writing it, but obviously it didn’t glide off the fingers that way.

      The story has progressed a bit, when I get farther into the script I’ll post up another clip introducing Detective Applecock, a detective on the chuck e cheese beat.

      Thanks for checking it out, and for all of your input. It’s always good to have extra eyes reading what I’m writing.

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