Woke up around nine today to my phone alarm blaring in my ear, I haven’t been able to find any tone on my phone that doesn’t annoy the ever-loving shit out of me, this one sounds like a tin can filled with those little jingly bells that you find on the end of most jester hats, and waking up to that next to my ear isn’t the most pleasant experience but i guess it’s better than the sound of some little twit with dried crusty boogers under his nose and BBQ sauce stains on his Bob the Builder shirt running his uncut dirt encrusted nails horizontally across a large blackboard, which is actually one of the presets for my phone.
I hit the snooze button a couple of times adding up to a solid half hour of short unsatisfying five minute naps, if I were smart then I would have just set the alarm for thirty minutes later, but if I were to do that then I would still hit the snooze button and I would end up being late, which usually ends up happening anyways…ask any one of my professors.
Finally I pried myself out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. I’m not being clever, I literally stumbled and fell flat on my face on the white tile floor…and look at that grout…it’s getting a bit brown…maybe a bleaching is in order…and just as I’m about to get up and grab a toothbrush and a bottle of Clorox the tiles start rising up above me and spinning around in circles like little square UFO’s and they start shooting big fat green lasers from the sides, engraving ancient Mayan drawings on my walls. So I jump to my feet and run into a Superman dive out the closed window, sending glass shards everywhere to the street below as I fly into the horizon.
As I’m speeding through the blue skies a cloud with a unibrow approaches me and asks if I have time to take a survey and hands me a clipboard with a form on it, so I take the clipboard from him. It’s filled with questions like: When is the last time you had your oil checked? How long has it been since you put mustard in your shoes and went for a jog? And you know, survey type questions…so I fill it out and give it back to the unibrow cloud and he smiles at me and says “thank you,” and flies away leaving a visible green fart cloud in his trail, and by now I forget that I’m flying…and when I forget that I’m flying I fall, and once I start falling I forget how to fly and when I forget how to fly I hit the ground and when I hit the ground…the world explodes.