Last night I dreamt that I was standing in front of the mirror staring at myself. I opened my mouth, and the front two teeth were chipped, cracked and a dead brownish black. I touched one of them and it cracked and half of it landed in the sink and went down the drain. Then I felt one of my molars come loose. I reached my fingers in to feel the tooth, and it popped out in my hand. I held it out in front of me and warm tears began trickling down my cheeks and I could taste their saltiness on my tongue. I looked back in the mirror and all my teeth had turned that dead color, and began to loosen and clinked into the sink below. I kept staring at the mirror, watching my teeth fall out and the tears fall.
When I woke up my face was wet with tears, their salty taste still lingering in my mouth. The first thing I did was check to see if my teeth were still in tact. Thank god they still were…
I’m still left with the horrifying image in my mind, and I can’t help thinking what the meaning of it could possibly be. I thought about my life and what it’s become. It definitely isn’t the way I had envisioned it. I wonder how many people can actually say it is how they planned. I know there probably are some out there…but that’s rare. You can’t expect everything to work out as planned. If you do the moment something goes wrong you’ll be stuck with a lost expression on your face, because that’s exactly what you will be…lost. Off the imaginary track you have built for your train of life. You have to be able to improvise and stay on your toes and expect anything to happen, because anything can happen…and that anything can be good or it can be devastating, but you can’t let the devastation derail you. The trick is to set up multiple paths, and as some paths come to an end others will open up. But there usually isn’t just one right way and one wrong way…life would be far too easy if that were so. There are so many right paths and so many wrong paths, and sometimes the wrong ones can be disguised as the right ones and even the right ones can be disguised as the wrong ones…the best thing to do is to trust your intuition. You’ll know what’s right when the situations arise. Anticipate change and act accordingly, and when opportunities are offered you need to capitalize and move to the next fork in the track.
I can’t help the notion that I am running out of time. I know it sounds silly. I’m still young. I’m turning twenty-four in less than a week and my health (as far as I know) is in good standing. But still…everyday I’m thinking the same thing. I’m thinking that I need to get things rolling…I need to finish a damn book already, I need to start making some money, I need to move out west, I need I need I need…I have no problem starting things, but as soon as I hit a speed-bump I start a new story and leave the other one behind, leaving me with a pile of unfinished stories waiting to be pulled out of their dusty box in the basement. I think that might be part of my problem. I have a problem finishing things that I’ve started, and this doesn’t only relate to my writing, it relates to everything in my life. I even leave the end of my sandwiches behind. For some reason that last piece always makes me feel too full and almost sick to my stomach. Just like the feeling I get when I think of death.
When I look at it from a broader spectrum, I start to think that it might have something to do with me being afraid of death. I guess it’s not really dying that I’m afraid of…it’s just that fear of finishing something and leaving everything behind. I don’t want to leave anything behind. I like everything here too much, and I’m afraid to leave all the wonderful people I’ve met on my journey.
I think all of this relates to my dream. I feel like each tooth I lost was a chunk of time going by. It was like watching time go down the drain…gone forever…but there’s nothing I can do about lost time. I can’t get it back…but I can learn to seize every moment and enjoy it to the fullest, no matter how difficult things become. I know life’s not going to be easy, and that I’ll face hardships day in and day out – but I can’t fret over lost time, all I can do is make the most of what time I have left…and I can’t worry about how much time I have left, because if I preoccupy my time with thinking about how long I have to go then I’ll just be wasting more time.
Hopefully writing this out will prevent this dream from developing again tonight. We’ll just have to see. There’s plenty of time to find out. How much time is plenty of time for life? Every continuous second is priceless, numberless, and weightless, making every moment – whether it be past, present, or future – completely worthwhile.
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